Sheeps Clothes

“From the ancient Inanna forcing herself to the underworld to visit her sister, Ereshkigal— passing through the seven gates of the underworld and then being hung on a hook, rotting— where she had to look at her sister, and her sister had to look at her. Both needed to see inside themselves, to see inside their own shadows. To come to terms with who they really were, not who they thought they were.”

― Tori Amos, Piece by Piece

I suppose that ground was already covered…

That you have to know yourself, to be your full self. Doesn’t make it any less true.

Well, today is a day for physical truth. I’ve committed myself to making real progress. A general summary being a re-wording of a Buddhist teaching – you are not who you were yesterday. Yesterday, you may have been too lazy to clean, to tired to cook, too ‘meh’ to get outdoors.

Today? Today, you get to be a new person. The only cost – you have to choose to be a new person.

I could have been too lazy to reach a coffee shop at an hour where I could get a prefered table. I wasn’t. I could still decide to go home and just watch dvds/play video games while surrounded by clutter, and be angry at the cat and my fiancee for pestering me/increasing the clutter.

Or.

Or I can go, clean, play with the cat, ask fiancee to help with the cleaning/cat playing, and then play video games while food cooks.

I wanna be that person. Because that person will write.

So that is todays discovery. That the ‘desire to write’ can be the sheeps clothing disguising procrastination of things I need to do to be able to write.

Time to get to it.

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Nothing is a gr…

Nothing is a greater impediment to being on good terms with others than being ill at ease with yourself.
Honore de Balzac

Good point. So far, all I’ve done here is complain about me. I need to progress to writing. Fiction, non fiction, whichever. Gotta progress to putting myself out there (here?).

Bucket list… of the year.

  • make wedding plans
  • cook more
  • move before it becomes important that landlord doesn’t answer his phone
  • participate in nanowrimo

Wish me luck!

In a strange wa…

In a strange way, I had fallen in love with my depression. I loved it because it was all I had. I thought depression was the part of my character that made me worthwhile. I thought so little of myself, felt that I had such scant offerings to give to the world, that the one thing that justified my existence at all was my pain.
Elizabeth Wurtzel, Prozac Nation (1994)

This…. This feels like me.

Kinda. In a squinted-eye way… Like when you don’t have your glasses on and are trying to imagine what the squiggles on the sign mean.

I’ve been on the cusp of major depression more than once. There has always been a reason to pull back, though. Like a dog. When I was in a vicious cycle, calling myself useless, ashamed that I wasn’t even walking my dog often enough, he didn’t judge. If I got up and walked him, he was cheerful. No shame or judgment about yesterdays failings, just what was or wasn’t done now.

I’ve always known that they only way out of the pit it to climb out myself. I haven’t always known how, though. Say… with cleaning. You can tell me all day that I need to clean more. But how do I remember what needs to be done when? How do I remember how to motivate myself, how do I think to vacuum before I am ashamed of it?

It is so much more difficult than it seems. Because the goal involves making it look easy!

“The difference…

“The difference between the right word and the almost right word is the difference between lightning and a lightning bug.”
― Mark Twain, The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain

I always want to write, and nearly always fail. Why? Because I’m obsessed with having the correct word, the perfect synonym. I need to remember – is a lightning vs. lightning bug, or is it more tan pants vs. khaki?